


Waiting at the door

by frominsideacomputer



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, I've been writing a lot these past few days, M/M, Missing!Dan, YouTube, and i don't really like where this went, but i'm trying new writing styles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-10
Updated: 2015-06-12
Packaged: 2018-04-03 18:52:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4111369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frominsideacomputer/pseuds/frominsideacomputer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan's been missing for two years and he's probably dead. Phil is actually getting better, but everything changes when the doorbell rings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The last time Phil had seen Dan in the flesh was two years ago today. That was the last time he got to hear him talk properly instead of out of some speakers. It was the last time he got to feel Dan’s warmth and feel the softness of his skin. It was the last time Phil ever got hear Dan laugh.   
His laugh.   
Phil had decided that that was what he missed most about Dan. Amongst everything else that had suddenly been torn from Phil’s life when Dan hadn’t come home that day, his laugh was what he missed most. Being a youtuber and radio host meant that his laugh had been recorded hundreds of times, but it wasn’t the same as hearing it for real.  
Phil had also decided that he hadn’t laughed properly since Dan had gone, because Dan was the one who make him really, truly happy. Even on the worst days, Dan would just smile and it could clear the cloudiest of hearts, even with the sad emoji dimple on his cheek.

BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. BE-. Phil smashed his hand onto the snooze button of his alarm and rolled back under the duvet. Today he wasn’t planning on doing much apart from sleeping, browsing the internet and watching films. He was coping okay, or at least, as well as anyone could when your best friend, boyfriend, colleague and flat mate doesn’t come home one evening and he’s never seen again.   
He snoozed for another ten minutes until his alarm beeped again and he groaned as he stood up. Days like this, when he didn’t _have_ to do anything were some of the worst because he just didn’t know what to do. Phil glanced at the small framed photo he had of Dan on the cupboard – the one of them stood together under the umbrella in Japan, not the one on Instagram, the one that was kept private and depicts them kissing under the umbrella – and wished that Dan was back. But he knew he had to get on with his life and not dwell too much on the past because he had finally accepted that Dan was not going to be coming back.

Starting the day with a shower always woke him up and he knew that a mug of coffee would help him to perk up a little. He stood in the shower and let the warm water run down his body, thinking about all the things he wished he’d done with Dan. He wished they’d had shower sex – just the once to see what it was like - he wished they’d been more open as a couple to other youtubers because no one really knew; he wished they’d told the rest of the internet and he wished that he’d told Dan he loved him. Because that was the one thing he really regretted. Not telling Dan he loved him when they both knew that they both loved each other with all their hearts, souls and minds.   
But he also knew that whilst it was nice to reminisce, he could get sucked into an infinite hole of regret and guilt and so Phil stepped out the shower thinking about the day ahead.

His phone beeped and it was a text from PJ ‘If you want to talk J’ Phil liked the sentiment and how PJ wasn’t being pushy or inquisitive and how he knew that he could talk to him if he wanted because the only other person Phil would have talked to was gone.   
He replied to PJ with a ‘thanks J free for a coffee later?’ and got changed feeling more energised about the day that he had done earlier.   
As Phil sat having lucky charms whilst watching an old anime, PJ replied with ‘why don’t we do pizza this evening? J’. Phil was glad that he and his friends were so flexible to plans and meeting up because he really didn’t know how he’d have survived without them.   
‘Sure, come round six thirty?’ He hastily replied and continued to eat breakfast.

The morning dragged along into lunch and lunch dragged into early evening. PJ would be arriving soon and Phil was verging on excited because he didn’t get to see many of his friends so much anymore because they all had jobs and families now.  His mood had changed from this morning when he’d woken up, expecting the worst from the day when now he was feeling really quite good about it and, possibly the best he’d felt in a long time. And for the first time since Dan hadn’t come home that day he felt optimistic about the future.

It was nearing six thirty and Phil knew PJ would be late but he didn't mind. He'd was just so happy to be doing something else than moping around at home, regretting all the things he wished he done when Dan was around. He sat down on the sofa, waiting for the doorbell, thinking about Dan and whole situation. He thought about the few weeks just after Dan had gone and how he'd spent most of it on the phone to people or plastering up posters around the city or being interviewed by the news. That had been the most chaotic time because it was nonstop. 

Then came the calm after the storm and Phil was left alone once the police decided that it was hopeless. The fans still diligently spread awareness and posts circulated Twitter, Tumblr, Facebook and Instagram spreading awareness about him. 

But then they gave up. And that was when Phil really plummeted into the pits. He knew it was useless doing anything, because the likelihood was that Dan was dead. As blunt as that. Phil stayed at home for months on end, in case Dan phoned or back or something. He couldn't bear to see Dan's face or hear his voice on YouTube so Phil had stopped that for the moment. He could sit browsing the Internet for too long because eventually Dan would appear on his screen looking as wonderful as ever. 

The worst part about this time in Phil's life was the fact that him and Dan had been together and that they just hadn't really told anyone except their families which meant that they hadn't been able to show each other the affection they deserved and this was when Phil began to blame himself as to why Dan has disappeared. He hadn't noticed any change in Dan's behaviour the days before he left so Phil didn't really have anything to go on and it wasn't like Dan had left a note or anything to explain why he'd gone. He'd just gone. Phil's thoughts were tumbling into a place he didn't want to revisit when he was interrupted by the doorbell. 

 

He jumped downstairs and opened the door.

"Hey Pe-" He stopped mid word because it wasn't PJ. 

The person stood on the doorstep was not the tall and lanky curly haired short film maker he was expecting.

But instead it was a tall, skinny, hobbit haired missing (ex)boyfriend whom he hadn't been expecting. 

"Hi." 


	2. I don't

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan tries to talk to Phil

Clearly, it took some time for Phil to adjust to what was happening but after his brain had processed the sight in front of him but eventually he managed to form some words. 

"You're not PJ."   
"No."   
"What are you doing here?"  
"I'm home."  
"This hasn't been your home for two years. What are you doing here?" Phil had the right to be angry because seeing Dan brought back all kinds of bad memories and guilt.   
"I know. I couldn't stand it any longer."  
"Stand what any longer?" Phil snapped.  
"Being away from you."   
"You seemed to do quite well for twenty four months why now?"  
"I wa-"   
"Actually, you know what? I was in a good place, I was doing okay, I was getting better. Then you had to some and show up and now everything is back!" Phil raised his voice for the first time in a while. "I don't want your shitty explanations and I don't want your excuses. Goodbye Dan. This time it's final."   
"At least let me explain..." Dan whimpered.  
"No." Phil slammed the door in Dan's face and fled back upstairs to his room, where he curled up in a ball under his duvet and began to weep. 

He wept because he just didn't know what else to do. It had been too long for him to be overjoyed at Dan's return because seeing him again just made him think of the bad times. He felt a bit guilty for slamming the door on Dan, but what else could he have done. He didn't want to let Dan into the flat which was different to how it had been before and Phil liked it even more now.   
And it wasn't that he was relieved or stressed or happy or sad at seeing Dan. He just felt like pieces of different puzzles had been put together to make his own slightly broken and misshapen picture.  

He heard the doorbell ring again and he realised that it would be PJ this time. Someone he could have a proper conversation with.   
Opening the door with cloudy eyes he saw a very confused PJ stood on the door step. 

"He's still there then?" Phil asked taking a fleeting glance at the street where Dan had been sat on one of the benches.   
"It's actually him?" Phil ushered Peej inside and upstairs.   
"Mm-hmm." Phil nodded curling up on the sofa.   
"Have you spoken to him?"   
"I shouted then slammed the door in his face." Guilt now shook Phil's voice.  
"That's all?" PJ sounded worried yet a little angry.   
"Well what else was I supposed to do? Welcome him in with loving arms?" The older boy snapped back.   
"I guess, but wouldn't you rather getting him to explain himself and you can go from there."  
"But I don't really care what's happened I'd moved on." Phil felt his voice begin to tremble and tears well up.  
"Look, I can't really say I understand because I don't but...you don't know how he feels and just talk to him. Five minutes that's all."  
"I really don't want to do this." Sighed Phil, standing up and wiping his eyes.   
"I'll be here so you can come running back." 

 

As he walked along to the bench where Dan was sitting, Phil knew he could turn back at every step but he didn't and it felt like something was drawing him closer to Dan.   
"Hi." Dan said as Phil sat down on the opposite end.   
"Hi."  
"I wanted to apologise."   
"Great."  
"I'm sorry."  
"Lucky you."  
"Phil," Dan turned towards him. "I can't begin to imagine..."  
"No. No you can't. You can't even begin to get inside your head what happened to me all that time. Because you were so selfish," Phil snapped back, still not looking at Dan. "I don't really care where you were. I just care why you weren't here."

Dan sighed a long and heart-felt sigh. “I still remember the day I didn’t come home. I remember getting on that train that took me away from London. I remember watching the station get smaller and smaller until it wasn’t visible and I knew I wouldn’t be coming back for a long time, if ever. I,” He rubbed his face with his hands, as if he was trying to remove all the guilt. “I wanted to phone, to text, to see you again. But my heart told me no.   
“I still don’t know whether it was an existential crisis, but to the worst degree. Or just a midlife crisis. Or what it was. I went back to Manchester, back to the old complex we lived in. I had my card with me and I got a fuck load of cash out so I wouldn’t have to use it again. Then I just travelled around the country. I had a haircut and I dyes it so people wouldn’t recognise me from your frantic searches. I bought new clothes and changed my look. I wore chinos, I wore colour; I wore anything but my signature black.   
“I stayed in hotels and hostels never longer than a week in each. But it got so fucking lonely sometimes.”  
“Then why didn’t you come home?” Phil muttered, his voice a mix of anger and worry.   
“Because I couldn’t bring myself to do it. The worst part was I still got your texts and messages and calls. I got everyone’s. I never opened them or anything. I should have gotten rid of the phone but I just couldn’t you know?”  
“No Dan. I don’t know. Because I didn’t fucking disappear for two bloody years.” Phil’s voice was verging on shouting but he wouldn’t have done it in the street. He stood up and stormed off, back up the street to the front door. As he reached it, he heard Dan shout as he came running up behind him.   
“I love you, you know that!”   
Phil turned, a thunderous expression on his face and death in his eyes. “Bit fucking late isn’t it.”   
“Swearing three times in one day Phil?” Dan rolled his eyes.   
“Things change over two years. Maybe you should have thought about that before you came stabbing back into my life.”  
“I needed to see you.” Dan whimpered, barely above a whisper.   
“I didn’t need to see you.” Phil stepped inside and once again, he slammed the door in Dan’s face.

Pj was stood at the bottom of the stairs, waiting for Phil to come back, but when he returned with the locked jaw and dark eyes Pj knew he should go. As he passed Phil on the stairs, he heard him mutter,  
“It’s useless.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> do i write another chapter?


	3. I Know That Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's a lot of talking and explaining. TW: Abusive behaviour kinda

"Hey Peej." Dan said as PJ emerged from the house. 

"Hi." He stood a little awkwardly, unsure of what to say to Dan. Long silence hung off the end of every letter, word and sentence.   
“How are you?"   
“Not bad, you?”   
“Yeah, good.”

Empty silence again.   
“I see you stopped straightening your hair.” PJ smiled softly, trying to make small talk.   
Dan laughed quietly but soon found them both in silence again.  
"Do you want to...?” Dan trailed off, he didn't really know what he was asking.   
"I'd quite like to know where you've been." He shrugged, it bothered him but he had been coping in a different way to Phil. Another silence.   
"Up and down the country. Hotels, B&Bs, hostels. Anywhere that wasn't permanent," Quiet again, but then Dan continued. “But what’s new with you?”  
“Nothing really, I got married though.” That had seemed like one of the few good things in Pj’s life after Dan had gone and Phil was at his worst.   
“Oh congratulations, I’m sorry I missed it.” Although Dan had said that, PJ wasn’t sure how much he meant it.   
“It was a small ceremony, just close family and friends. Phil only came to the ceremony, he didn’t want to stay for a party.” PJ shrugged, trying to make it seem like it didn’t matter.  
“No, I should have been there.” Dan sounded frustrated and angry at himself. “I was selfish.”   
“Maybe you were,” PJ mumbled. “But why though? Why leave?” He was more worried than anything.

 "I don't know," Dan said firmly. "I think London had suffocated me and I wanted to get out. I needed somewhere than wasn't here."   
"But you went to Japan, New York, Barcelona, California, God knows where else! That's the worst excuse I've ever heard," This was the most frustrated PJ had been in a while. "Why didn't you tell Phil? He would have understood!"   
"Because-"

"Because I was part of the problem wasn't I?" Neither of them had noticed Phil come  "I know now Dan. I know why you left." 

 Phil had been sitting in Dan's room, which had barely changed since he'd gone - it had been emptied by the police but they'd never found anything - seeing if there was anything worth keeping before he started to throw stuff out, when he had found a small black box filled with Dan's handwriting that obviously hadn't been seen before. As he flicked through, he found the last entry on the evening before Dan left. 

_I want to get out. I don't know how long I'll be able to hide it from Phil. I think I could explode with this stress. He thinks I'm doing fine, but I was always good at lying. Especially to him._ _He is so gullible. He believes anything. But he's so clingy though._ _Never lets me out of his sight, I'm practically shackled to him. It's suffocating and I'm drowning._

_I'm going to have to go on my own somewhere for a while. I can't go with Phil because that would defeat the object of it.  
_ _I guess I could try to break up with him, but he's so emotional and I know that he'd guilt trip me into staying._ _He's doesn't realise it, but he's manipulative. Not all the time. Barely ever in fact. But when he does, it's scary and I want to run away even more._

_If I did go where would I go?_

_And I wouldn't really want to leave the country. I would want to stay close to Phil in case I ever decided to come back. But what about mum and dad? I've barely even thought about them.  
_ _Phil seemed to drag me away from them.  
_ _He dragged me further and further away from anyone until I was lost and didn't know which way was up.'_  

Phil handed Dan his diary. "A person never really notices what they're taking for granted until it's gone."

"I'll leave you to it." PJ said, giving Dan an awkward handshake. "Bye." He left, leaving Dan and Phil stood in the summer dusk. 

"That's why you didn't explain. Because it was all me. It was my fault. I thought I was doing the right thing, that I was the one who should be blaming you. But I realise now it was my fault all along. I was attached to you, in a bad way. And I did pull you away from everyone else. Holy shit. I really did. I practically had you locked in the apartment. No wonder you wanted to get out,"

Dan was in tears now, finally seeing that Phil knew. 

"But why come back?" Phil continued. "It was essentially abusive behaviour. Why would you want come back?" 

"I knew that you never meant any of it. I knew that it was never intentional. I got to a point a few days ago when I realised that with me gone, you would have adjusted to life on your own and I know you so well that it would have been for the better. Because the reasons I left were mainly you. But the things you did, you never did to hurt me. You just cared too much and it broke me eventually. If I was more normal, I would have told you th-"

"No. Don't even begin to blame yourself," Phil interrupted. "It was my fault and I see that now. If I were you, I wouldn’t have ever come back. But we’re not the same. I get that now and I am sorry for all the hurt and pain I caused you. I don’t know whether you want to forgive me, but the offer is there.   
So you can go, or stay. I don't mind which. Just if you go, and I never see you again, I'd understand. Just promise me this, don’t ever let anyone hurt you like I did. You don’t deserve it."

There was a long silence, Dan wiped the tears away from his eyes. Phil shuffled his hands around, trying to decide whether to put them in his jeans pockets. 

Eventually Dan decided. 

"Goodbye Phil."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yay i finished it  
> i hate it  
> seriously i don't like what i did to the plot but y'know you win some you lose some i guess  
> and this one i just lost


End file.
